Seasons of August

Every person has both masculine and feminine energy, the masculine and feminine are designed to complement one another. The feminine is the in breath, the internal tide of intuition and inspiration that shapes and influences the out breath or masculine form. When the feminine and masculine are in balance, there is abundance and joy, and the forms that arise from this balance are both productive and sustainable.

The female body is designed to be creative, and any woman can cherish her creative essence and make art in the form of children, gardens, meals, new ways of living; and of course the more ‘common’ art forms of song, dance, painting, and music making. Your creativity is meant to flow as a unifying force that weaves together the total expression of your feminine potential.

Working with the wild feminine is like tending a piece of land; work done day by day in a sustainable way builds upon itself and transforms the landscape. The spirit naturally moves away from places that are dishonored. The female body is still often a source of shame rather than celebrated as sacred space. The feminine nature is widely perceived as unnecessary or even a weakness. We belong in sacred space as women. Our female bodies are sacred. We carry the future of our daughters and sons. The creative life force moves through us. When we remember that this movement is sacred, we remember the wild in ourselves – this raw and blessed spirit that is uniquely feminine – and in doing so find our expression, our own celebration of life.

~inspired by Tami Lynn Kent~ and dhira lawrence~ 

A beautiful Sunday on Hood Canal with my auntie searching for butter clams. It was so much fun digging in the sand and rocks for them, I wish I had brought my vietnamese rice paddy hat. Rarely do I ever get to be a part of the whole process of my food intake. From a living creature in its little habitat, to dead on my dinner plate. It felt good, and it was free. I think it only felt good because clams don’t have faces or eyes to stare back at me. When I was back home and cleaning them, moving them from salt water to fresh water, I told them to say their last words, because soon it would be all over. We sauteed/steamed them in butter, white wine, and parsley. It smelled delicious. And…. I ate one.

Additionally we went to the YMCA Camp Seymour to drop my cousin off for a week of camp counseling. We had gone to this camp for Family Camp during my childhood, and it brought back such good memories! There’s a photo of my aunt and I near the dock where we did the Dippy & the Whale Swim (the dippy is a jump in the puget sound at 7am, whale swim is a longer swim out to a buoy and back), and fished for bottom feeders, and took out canoes. I had such a fun time growing up, we did so many great things for not having any money! It was great to be back at the camp, and in the forest in general, such a treat.

The last photo is of an oyster, no wonder they say oysters are aphrodisiacs…..

Just a few stunning photos of my beautiful friends.

In no particular order:

~ Yapsa helped me bake my flourless chocolate birthday cake! Mmmmmm, I’ve never been loved by him more than this very moment!

~ Leighton caught some fish (with a SPEAR!) on the coast and brought it to the party for ceviche and bbq/teriyaki tuna & cod. I’ll just say this: I hate fish, but I ate SO MUCH ceviche and tuna, I couldn’t stop. Kaegan knew what he was doing on the BBQ, too. Man oh man, delicious.

~ Yapsa Boy and Ibu, I gave that cutie patootie a corn cob and went into the house. 45 minutes later I come out, and the corn is still clutched in him chubby little hand. : )

~ Ibu & Kade busted out the djembes, so beautiful. And Eva had the ovaries to shake it! Such a babe.

~ Tarapin blessed us with a fire hoop performance! Along with Sara, Becky, and Ali (whose performance was “brought to you by the power of beer”)

~ The 4 Leo’s blowin out our birthday candles!

A year of impermanence and short term stints around the West Coast. I began in Portland, with 2 part time jobs (nannying and personal assisting) that added up to working overtime every week. I could have traded them both in for one job as a nanny for a beautiful new family, the newborn entering the world in September. But instead I relocated to Mendocino county and the SF Bay area to take an intensive midwifery training course and farm for the fall months. I went back and forth from Washington, Oregon, And Cali visiting family, making new friends, studying the art of midwifery, eating Sol Food (Puerto Rican food of the Gods, this restaurant is AMAZING). I flew to Seattle for a weekend for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Went back to Portland to help some friends move into my house. But spent most of the fall in the mountains of Northern California and the City of SF. December rolled around and I went to Indonesia with my family. I was hoping for a bright, hot, and sunny mid-winter healing trip, but it was overcast and wet. Didn’t matter to me because there was someone there who kept my fire going and brought light to each day of Bali living. 3 days after returning from Indonesia I hopped a plane for Mexico. Crazy few weeks in Mexico with my beautiful family of friends, we released baby sea turtles into the ocean, we did acroyoga play daily, we created amazing meals and sampled the tastes of the locals. We sang kirtan with the retired gringos, we walked to the “waterfall” that was merely a trickly coming down some rocks, we used up a whole jar of coconut oil on our pasty skin, we walked to the burned down hotel, we rented a boat and had a one hour booze cruise, we went to the clubs with Julio, we took a Yogic Arts class (yoga and martial arts, it was wild), and we sang songs and played music and talked about our wishes, dreams, goals…. Returned to Portland from Mexico, sun kissed skin and vitamin D aplenty, to no job. So I did ridiculous amounts of yoga and got in the best yoga shape in my life. During that time went to Arizona twice, searching for heat, fun, love, friendship, and laughter. Ran out of money, moved back to Eugene and lived with my best friend’s cousin in a modest apartment in downtown Eugene. Decided I wanted to live a life of travel, in a beautiful home, have children, and have the resources to provide for them and send them to college and bestow upon them the same blessings I have. So instead of the midwifery path I turned my head towards obstetrics and gynecology. Started pre-med classes in the Spring. My dear sweet grandfather passed suddenly in April, so I left school to live with my grandmother. We spent those first weeks, having croissants and tea, and I would work out a lot, and we’d go to dinner, and read books, and chat. Then my sister and I scurried off to London to become refined young women of society in a week long condensed Finishing School Programme. We  learned how to be respectable ladies, then flew to Amsterdam to meet our parents and get a lesson in “what not to do”. Kind of awkward to walk to red light district with your parents and younger sister! We rented a car and drove to a few other towns in Holland, stopping for many poffertjes along the way (delicious little flying saucer shaped mini pancakes). We had plenty of cheese and beer as we drove into Belgium, stopping at a Trappist monastery known for brewing delicious ale, Orval. In Bruges, we rented bikes and rode to Damme to see the gorgeous farmland and countryside windmills. The most adorable little bar, if you would call it a bar, called Rose Red was in Bruges. There were red roses hanging from the ceilings, roses on every table, and the most sultry dim lighting that gave place a real sexy vibe. Again, kinda funny to be there with little sis and papa. We left Europe and I returned to Seattle to my new job at Jarbo Collection and to another term of pre-med classes at Bellevue College. I got away a little bit during the term, to the Oregon Country Fair where my spirit was restored and I was reminded at how colorful and beautiful humans can be! Also to the Northwest String Summit, where I giggled and danced away my school stresses. I spent a lot of this summer under stress and in confusion. I didn’t know how to allow a certain relationship to cultivate. I ended up shying away from it, because I just couldn’t put all the love and energy into it that the person deserved.

I am in my last week of school, I want to move home to Eugene, and start school again at the U of O to continue my pre-med courses, and perhaps while I am at it pick up a second major for a B.S. in Human Physiology. While I think medical school will value my alternative and diverse undergraduate degree in Family & Human Services and Substance Abuse Prevention, I think adding a 2nd major would make me an even stronger and more desirable candidate. Especially because I can’t say for certain I am going to ace the MCAT’s.

Anyhow, Cheers to another year of shuffling around my goals and my plans.

Or, cheers to a year of grounding down, exploring my root, and focusing on my life’s work and my career.

Either way, cheers to another revolution around the Sun, the ruling planet of this fiery lioness. Rawr!

Stunning. How I love the the Scent of the Strawberries Spreading through the whole house. Knowing that the Sugary Sweet taste of the Strawberry will be ours to Savor deep into the Winter months.  Thank you, dehydrator, endless gratitude.

I began some therapy this week. I deactivated my facebook account as step 1. Not only is this going to serve as a therapeutic move, but I also wanted to eliminate as many distractions as possible as I try and master this Chemistry course.

After having a few meltdowns, I decided I needed to ground down a little more and take care of my self. I was…am….. SO freakin’ stressed out all the time! Doesn’t help that I was hardly staying in one place for more than a few days, and trying to get school done with that lifestyle is not happening.

Going to NWSS was absolutely amazing and I danced out a lot of tensions, ate amazing meals, but.. I didn’t study one bit that weekend. Oops. Drop the ball for one weekend and it all comes crashing down! So I deleted facebook, organized all my space, and I am prepared to hunker down in Chemistry and Biology land for the next few weeks.

I cleaned out the sauna in the house that hasn’t been used in years. Seriously, YEARS, maybe 25? But hey! It still works! I started a book, for the third time, Wild Feminine, that I read while I am in the sauna. I come out feeling incredible, inspired, motivated and at peace with my life.

I feel completely called to be in Colorado. Where exactly, couldn’t say. I want to be there, I NEED that sunshine. Can’t go to school there though. Hm, what a pickle. Too much $$$. I just CAN NOT STAND the northwest any longer. This feeling of dread takes over when I think about being here ANOTHER winter. What’s up with that?? The NW is a great place, green and lovely. But…… still can’t stand it right now. How can I continue to pursue my dreams and accomplish my goals in Colorado?

Lastly, I often wish this wasn’t public … I don’t even know who reads this. I should just write everything in my journal. But typing is faster and more stuff comes out, so I write here and hope that no one reads it. : )

I am bridging the gap. I am in a constant state of focus and concentration. I am making sacrifices for a larger goal, for the greater good, for myself, for my family. I know the steps, I am getting them done. Every day I am one step closer. I will be Dr. Jessica Niles, MD ND Midwife Extraordinaire.

And when I am feeling unmotivated ~ I read these words, and then I call mom and dad. He’s got a brilliant way of making “just get it done” sound so blatantly simple and easy.

The goal here is to become a physician who respects and promotes the midwifery model of care in pregnancy and birth. That believes birth does not belong in a hospital but is there for any woman needing emergency care. A doctor who won’t judge, condemn, or legally pursue midwives for their practices. A doctor that works hand in hand with midwives sharing experience and wisdom, a doctor that practices a non-intervention model of birth and respects the natural physiological processes of birth.

So here I am in my first Chemistry, Biology and Math courses. I like chemistry, strange. But a great sign! Math is still not my favorite. I don’t want to blame it on my teacher, but sometimes I can’t help but notice that a good teacher helps me enjoy what you discover through math. And a sub-par teacher assists me in reverting back to my previous mental state of “i hate numbers!”. I love biology, love it. Learning about tissues and organ function, cell structures, etc. It’s just incredibly fascinating and I absolutely love it all. More good signs.

Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid – Albert Einstein

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.~ Michael Gartner

Don’t be one of those petty mopers who wastes untold priceless amounts of your brief stay on this planet complaining about its weather. Unless it is about to cause you bodily harm, rot your rhubarb on the stalk, or carry off your children, weather ought either to be celebrated or ignored. I could really benefit from this mantra: celebrate or ignore. Just now, as I am feeling joyful and motivated and excited and GOOD, a cloud covered the sun, and all of a sudden my outlook for the afternoon became dreary and bleak and sad. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

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I am inclined to compare angels to bats. They are two sides of the same coin, are they not? One winged anthropomorph the alter image of the other. White and radiant, the heavenly angel represented goodness. Dark and cunning, the nocturnal bat was associated with evil. Yet, is it really that simplistic? Bats, in actuality, were sweet tempered, harmless (less than 1 percent rabid) little mammals who aided humankind by devouring immense amounts of insects and pollinating more plans and trees in the rain forest than bees and birds together. Angels, conversely, often appeared as wrathful avengers, delivering stern messages, wrestling with prophets, evicting tenants, brandishing flaming swords. Their “pollination” was restricted to begetting children on astonished mortal women. Which would you rather meet in a midnight alley?

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Meditation: Mind altering substances will just keep on peeling away layers, one after the other, for hours. Deep meditation can do that too, except in meditation, what’s peeling away are your own thought patterns. Worries, anxieties, clichés, bright ideas, ambitions, plans, mental and emotional hang-ups, all that half-conscious brain litter. You strip the layers away, one by one, until the images grow fainter and fainter and the noise grows quieter and quieter, and bing! you arrive at the core, which is naked emptiness, a kind of exhilarating vacuum.

What layers can I shed? What do I want to see as only a distant memory? All that crap I listed in the previous post!

Sometimes you have to lose control to realize what control really is. So when I experience a lapse in self-discipline, I take a lesson from it. Ultimately, the mistake could be what keeps me faithful to my healthy routine.

We all can manifest the talent to make each day better for ourselves and for everyone around us. Spread beautiful vibes wherever you go.

_ _ _

Today I gather strength from my family and loved ones to move forward, to be present, and to not dwell in the weirdness of things past.

What I leave behind: Guilt, worry, fear, shame, being self conscious and self absorbed, all that crap.

These are all the most useless human emotions and they haven’t done me any good.

The women:

~ From Joanne I gather strength. As she has said “Just live your life and it’ll all work out”

~ From Gillian I gather generosity and beauty. Cause she is gorgeous and giving and humble.

~ From Kendall I gather confidence, she just doesn’t give a rip what other people think!

~ From Kathleen I gather freedom, she does what she wants.

~ From Kelly I gather humor and joy, always having a good time.

~ From Lauren I gather wisdom. Wise Mama Lo.

~ From Kathy I gather mothering and nourishment.

~ From Allison I gather grace and purity.

well, that could go on forever

The men:

~ From Daniel Sr. I gather integrity.

~ From David I gather honesty and hard-work.

~ From Frank I gather self-care and healing.

……. there is obviously a shortage of men in the family : )

*I move forward in life and leave behind all that does not serve me*

And now is when the fiddle starts playing in the woods!! 

It’s difficult to face certain realities.

I am very much an idealist. A visionary, a dreamer, a wishful thinker, a romantic.

I am grateful for my family, for a number of reasons, but particularly because they bring me back to Earth sometimes. They are a very grounding bunch of folks, realists if you will. They continually remind me that all we really have is now. The past is gone, it’s history, something to just let go of. Let go of what may be painful, and be grateful for all the good memories. And move on. Difficult for me, I have a heightened sense of tradition and sentiment. As for the future, we have no idea when our cards are up. So again, all we have is now! This very moment! And you must decide how you want to live it. Another challenge for me, I love daydreaming about moments to come. Many thanks to the loved ones I have been surrounded by the last week, to help me move forward with grace from a most devastating loss, the passing of my grandpa.

I was already daydreaming about my grandpa being at my wedding, meeting a great grandchild, the joy he might experience in those moments. I need to reframe things. Instead of thinking of all the things I won’t get to do with him now, I have to fondly remember all the joyful, beautiful moments we shared together. (Seems obvious, but hard to practice). I think of being his head mouse, spending Saturdays with him and grandma, being carried down the walkway to the car, sleeping on his belly, going to ballet class, helping him on the computer, hearing him whistle and hum through the hallways, eating ice cream and sweets with him (even when I became a health freak and couldn’t bear the thought of eating those frosted cookies he excitedly brought home). Every memory makes me smile, I felt very close to him. So I tell myself: I am *SO* incredibly lucky to have had so many years with him. He was so loving, so proud of all of us, so patient and kind, and hilarious….. I just wasn’t ready for this.

A comforting moment came to me the night we said our goodbyes and left him at the hospital, seeing him for the last time as we expected he wouldn’t live through the night. I had a dream that he came down the hallway, whistling his usual tune and in his usual blue robe. He smiled at me, then turned to get into bed. A big white fluffy bed. 20 minutes later the hospital called to say he had passed. Bye gramps, miss you ~